You guys, we made it! Cory and I have officially been a parents for ONE WHOLE YEAR. This was without a doubt the LONGEST and SHORTEST year of my life. It was chock full of the highest highs and unfortunately a few lows, but there is so much power in picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and a clawing your way to a more powerful version of yourself. There was a minute there when I truly thought I was not cut out to be a mother. The lack of sleep, fussiness and moving across the country was a tough combination, but the more vulnerable I was, the more I shared my stories with all of you through social media, the more I realized I wasn’t alone.
So many of you told me to simply enjoy it, it will go by so quickly that you will barely remember it. I have to say, you guys were right! By the time we got settled in our new place, CJ was sleeping better and better, I started to meet people and then BOOM, Barry’s came into my life and forced me to put myself first for the first time in a long time. I learned so many lessons this year and I wanted to take a moment to share them with all of you in honor of my little creatures first year on Earth.
A month before, slow down and soak it all in. Revel in the calm before the storm: When I was about 8 months pregnant I found out we likely had to move to California, a flood soaked two floors in our home and we found out we had termites and the house needed to be tented AFTER we put the entire nursery together. The work was complete literally 5-days before I delivered. I had so much anxiety in those final few weeks, that I didn’t really enjoy life doing just the two of us. If you can, try! Lay in bed, watch movies, laugh and know that you WILL do all of these things again despite what everyone tells you. It simply takes time, but you will get there.
Ask For Help: Dear superwoman….YES YOU…you are powerful beyond measure, but you cannot do it all. I wish I asked for help sooner, but I simply felt like I was failing. Honestly, I needed more. I needed help cooking, I needed help cleaning, I feel like I needed help just “BEING” and I didn’t ask for it, nor did receive it. I expected people to just “get it”, and then I broke.
Let go of expectations and communicate: Let go of the expectation that your baby should be doing this or that when or how you want them to because you see other babies doing all the things you wish yours would. In time, they will get into a rhythm, but until then, try not to play the comparison game. Your kid loves broccoli, mine hates it. CJ is a good sleeper, but has been a nightmare in the stroller. Yours may only sleep when strolling’. Get what I’m saying? YOU mama, are doing all the right things. Just dial into your little one and work through those early months together.
Also, let go of expectations of family, friends and partners. It sounds harsh, but you can be constantly disappointed, especially if you have trouble expressing your needs and feelings early on. The first couple of weeks you are on a high, and then when the dust settles and the reality of a new life with a newborn settles in, the road gets a bit rocky. I remember just breaking down due to exhaustion, and expected Cory to simply know what I needed, instead of expressing my need for sleep, food and and five minutes of pampering.
It took a few of these spirals to work on asking for help and not expecting people to come help or be there for me the way that I needed them to. So, if you are a friend, partner, family member or spouse of someone who just had a baby here are a few tips:
- Friends, family, spouses: Check in: A simple text goes a lot longer than you know.
- Bring them a hot meal or fill their fridge (Love you Angie). EVEN IF THEY SAY NO.
- Come over and throw in a load of laundry and force mom to shower or go lay down.
- Partners: A foot rub, a back rub or any non-sexual rub will win the ALL the points. Do it without asking and they will love you forever.
- Take her feelings into consideration. Remember, if she is breastfeeding, she cannot drink too much. If she is not sleeping well, she may not be ready to go out all night. Put her needs before your own for a little while longer. Help her breastfeed or pump whenever, wherever she needs to.
Live in the Moment: Welp, here we are a year later and I remember life with a newborn, but I don’t really remember it. Part of me feels like I wished it away. I’m not sure if it was the anticipation of the move combined with hormones, but I focused so much on the negative parts. I think this is totally normal, but I didn’t soak him in and I regret it. Maybe because I was doing so much by myself since Cory traveled a lot for work and I did not have family close and a lot of the responsibility fell on my shoulders. I was exhausted and resentful and it wasn’t a good look, I’ll admit it. If you can, live in the moment the best you can and soak up the skin to skin and ALL of the firsts. These days, Cory and I revel in the morning moments all 3 of us tucked in bed while CJ takes his morning bottle. There is NO better feeling in the world.
Make Time For Yourself: I did not do this AT ALL for the first six months. I wish I took the time to schedule a pedicure or manicure. I had the milk, but I also had this anxiety that I never had before. I know next time around, I will be a seasoned pro, but for the first four months I think I only left him for an hour or two twice and was wracked with guilt the whole time.
Hire a Sleep Coach/Consultant: CJ was the most alert baby there ever was. Eyes wide open since day one. Most newborn babies I have encountered would just sleep for hours on end throughout the day. Pop em in a swing or in a chair and BOOM sleepy baby. CJ, nope, did not want to miss a beat. I blame all the exercise while he was in my tummy! I hired a sleep consultant when CJ was 6 weeks and by 3-months he was sleeping 10 hours overnight. Then me moved and that all went to hell for a couple of extra months, but she saw us through our regression and now at a year, his crib is his favorite place. He sleeps 3-4 hours a day and 11-12 hours overnight and I felt like I was able to get my life back.
Schedule time with your partner: Family time is the best time, but sometimes mama needs a martini, a pair of heels and a restaurant. Schedule in those date nights because, before you know it, the weekend rolls around and it is WAY TOO EASY TO THROW ON YOUR SWEATS!
Kick, Scream, Crawl Your Way Back to You: I cannot stress this enough. Do whatever it takes to continue to chase your dreams, get rest and feel freakin good about yourself. I started waking up for 5:30 AM Barry’s classes 2-3 times a week and got a sitter for 2-3 hours once a week so I could get out of the house. Some days, I simply ran errands, but honestly, Target Party of One is every bit as therapeutic as a mani/pedi. If you have been neglecting yourself, stop making excuses and find a way. It may even mean getting a mommies helper so that you can take a pee, nap and a bath without a human hanging off of you.
Continue to follow your dreams: This generation of mothers has flipped the script. We still have the ability to follow our dreams AND raise our babies. I feel like I woke up in some alternate universe where I actually get to have my cake and eat it too! It was freaking hard you guys, BUT it was 100% worth it. I am still writing my story and I want more babies which is going to make it 200% harder, but where there is a WILL there is a WAY.
My main peace of advice would be to simply I would say is to simply let the idea of BALANCE go out the window. To me, balance doesn’t exist. Life ebbs and flows and it is best to live in the stream and enjoy the ride!
Gosh, you guys, I feel like I learned 8 million more lessons this year, but these are my greatest takeaways from my sweet boy. The love grows and grows and grows, so if you are in the beginning phase in your transition to MAMA. Stay strong and reach out. This mama network is wide and strong. Thank you for going on this journey with me!!