Ah married life! You dream about your wedding day since you were a little girl. You picture standing at the Alter with your groom, feeling like a princess as thoughts of living “happily ever after” swirl around your head. I get it. I had the same thoughts and dreams that one day my prince charming would sweep me off my feet. I also experienced the downside of marriage as the reality of my parents divorce set in C. 2001. I was 16. Heading to college the following year and the rollercoaster ride of emotions that come along with those transitional times was sandwiched by the heaviness of divorce. That kind of emotion can really lead a girl to think…do I ever really want to get married?
The short answer at the time and for years after was…”I’m not really sure.” I had two parents who loved and supported me in all that I was. They were at every recital and game and dance competition. I was taken on college visits. Outfitted head to toe for every prom, graduation and special event that ever took place. I wanted for nothing, but I always yearned for what was missing. The connection, the unity, the “white Pickett fence” the structure that I now know takes daily work and effort by all parties involved.
It took about a decade for my parents divorce to be final, and we are finally 95% healed and enjoying the next chapter in our lives. It did take a lot of strength to repair our family, but we always talk about the fact that we think my Nana and Pop Pop have been up in heaven doing work over the past ten years to ensure long happy lives for all of us. My mother has gone from stay-at-home mom to running an extremely successful photography business and for a woman in her 60’s I would say her story is extremely badass! When my parents finally separated, my mom was not working outside of the home, which meant she had no financial support. She finished college in her 50’s and went to work for a photography company before branching out on her own. Watching her grow and learn and hone her skillset has been such a joy for me and although the lessons of divorce are tough they also made me stronger and I learned from the struggles I saw first hand. I also feel like going through a divorce helps daily in my own marriage.
Sounds a bit odd right? Honestly though, since Cory and I had similar experiences we make a conscious decision to not sweat the small stuff. To continuously communicate and do whatever it takes to support each other’s hopes and dreams. Not every day is perfect, but after almost ten years together I can say I still appreciate the little things like my daily forehead kisses and the fact that he let’s me sleep in for an extra fifteen minutes every morning while he makes the coffee; however, I felt compelled to share the above with you to help you understand a bit of why I feel the need to keep a bit of fire in my belly because you never know what life is going to throw at you! I always use a specific term to explain Cory and I. I always say that we are “co-dependently independent”. Without him and his crazy career transitions, I would not have the career that I have now. It is a crazy web of planes, trains and automobiles, but it is our beautiful rainbow of chaos. After ten years together, a solid foundation and lot’s of laughs later, I feel I can share a little window into our marriage and my thoughts on why I believe it is healthy to hold onto your independence after you say “I do”.
As we enter the next chapter of our lives and become mommy and daddy I know we will have to remain diligent in investing in ourselves and keeping just a little bit of the independence that keeps us who we are and continuously fighting for our goals. So if you have any tips to help us do that, please help us out, but without further ado…
Here are my top 10 tips to help you keep some of your independence in your marriage or relationship:
1-Read Inspiring Books and ABL: When I left my teaching job and moved to Oregon I was lost and scared and maybe battling a little depression. I had no idea what direction my life was going in and I was left feeling a bit out of control. Cory suggested that I read “Who Moved My Cheese?” A simple story about two mice in search of their “cheese”. One mouse was always ready to run and find new cheese while the other got complacent when they found a large stash of cheese. I always look back on this story and thank it for helping me to stay on track and looking towards the future. Reading books like Lean In or the Life Changing Art of Not Giving a F*%k! . really help offer insight and direction that feeds your soul. ABL: “Always be Learnin” is something we say in our house. Continuous education keeps your mind sharp and wide open for new ideas and inspiration.
2-Set Aside Time With Friends: I have some of the best girlfriends around. Many of which I have had since elementary school. As we age it is easy to let friendships fall by wayside; however, if you make time to catch up via Facetime or a quick lunch date you can focus on human connection. When the tough times creep up on you it is your friends who will get you through. Your partner should be your best buddy, but I do find that investing in my friendships and laughing with my gal pals is one of the best medicines for the soul. Do whatever it takes to water your friendship garden. Remember you reap what you sow!
3-Have Your Own Goals: Having goals separate from Cory allows me to focus my energy on something that not only feeds my soul, but something that will make me a better person and lends to me feeling confident in who I am and what I bring to the table. I learned early on that I could not rely on him to feel 100% fulfilled. He brings so much joy in my life, but no matter how hard I try, I need to have something outside of our relationship to focus on. He is also extremely goal oriented so it gives us an understanding when we have to spend days and sometimes weeks apart. It works for us, it may not be for everyone, but it works for The Sinning Family.
4: Discuss Your Finances: All too often I see women who have no clue about where their finances are. Whether you are a stay-at-home mom or someone who works full-time, when you get married, finances can make or break your relationship. Have an open dialogue; discuss the reality of what goes in and out every month. Contribute what you can and try to stick to a budget. When you are in the dark you may assume you have more than you do and if your partner calls all the shots you may harbor some resentment. Cory always uses the word “we” when discussing finances. “We made” or “We have” and to me, that was something so powerful and always appreciated. We are a team, it does not matter if he is the one getting on the road every morning at 6 A.M, he could not do what he does without a support system and vice versa. So, know your worth and discuss it.
5: Take Time For Self-Care: I cannot stress the importance of self-care enough. Self-care can be something as small as taking a bath or lunch with a girlfriend or spending the day at the spa. Self-care is something that you do just for you, something that helps you mind, body and soul. Most of us do not make time for self-care and I think I will understand this a bit more as I enter motherhood, but try to take some time every week to do something that makes you feel happy and a bit more like YOU.
6: Speak Your Mind AKA Communicate: Due to my parents divorce, I was not the best communicator in past relationships. I was one to shut down and then blow up when I could not take it anymore. Early on, Cory said: “The easiest way for you to lose me is by not talking to me.” To this day it is something that stuck. He has taught me that not everything has to be a fight. Speaking your mind and communicating your wants and needs is extremely powerful and you will be amazed by how much lighter you feel after you get it out! It took me 25 years to figure this out, but I am so grateful to have acquired the ability to speak my mind. This has translated to communication in my career, friendships and marriage. If you are not a good communicator, you can become one, but it takes work!
7: Have Your Own Hobbies: Cory loves to fish, my brother loves to hunt, I love to cook, read and take fitness classes. Having your own hobbies helps you to not get lost in your relationship 24/7. Yes, it is fun doing things with your partner, but it is important not to shut down the things you like to do simply because you are in a relationship. I have seen it over and over again. People lose touch with their friends, stop doing things they love and then resent their partner because they are a whisper of who they “used to be”. Get out there and do something you enjoy or sign up for a new class. It all goes back to self-care and it is all “healthy”.
8: Be OK With Spending Time Alone: People always have something to say when they find out how much time Cory and I spend apart, but the truth of the matter is, I like being alone sometimes. It’s the Scorpio in me. I use the time apart to catch up on bad TV, eat peanut butter and jelly for dinner, go out with friends or catch up on sleep. Learn how to be OK with being alone. It is all about your mindset! I could spend time longing or resenting him for being away, but I feel my time is better spent running a bubble bath and getting a solid night of sleep without getting steam rolled by a 6’3 giant.
9: Start a Gratitude Practice: I spent Sunday only focusing on the good things in life. I love using the 5 Minute Journal, but it takes an active sense of positivity to not get stuck on the negative. Practice gratitude for your morning Starbucks or the fact that you have running water. Practice gratitude in your marriage, for your spouse and your life together. It takes daily work, but eventually you will find yourself more of an optimist and grateful for the little things you may take for granted.
10: Ask For Advice: Whenever I meet someone who has been married for a long time I always ask them for advice. The best piece of advice I ever received from a woman married 55 years was : “Don’t have any expectations ad you will never be disappointed.” Harsh, kind of, but so true! Do you imagine your husband pulling up on a white horse, with a bouquet of flowers and a planned weekend away? You conjured up this romantic idea in your head, but when he shows up with dinner reservations or a practical gift you find yourself disappointed and not grateful for the fact that he SHOWED UP! With a flower. I love getting marriage advice from success stories. So talk, ask, soak it all in and apply! Remember what we talked about before? ABL…always be learning!
I know this was a long-winded post, but I really wanted to share how Cory and I navigate the chaos that is our life and our marriage. We are each other’s strength while simultaneously acting as each other’s calm. We have managed to remain individuals and after almost ten years together we still have much to learn. Without him there would be no me and vice-versa. “Co-dependently Independent” works for us and I truly believe it is something that can work in every marriage. I know I am no expert and I also know we have a long road ahead, but because I believe we have laid a solid foundation, I wholeheartedly believe that we can live out our vows through all of life’s up’s and the downs.
