Photo by Judy Walker Photography
The fourth trimester is a whirlwind alternating between pure adrenaline and exhaustion. After baby CJ arrived, I braced myself for all of the awful things my friends so lovingly told me I would endure. Bleeding cracked nipples, undercarriage carnage and of course exhaustion like that of which I have never felt. Fortunately, the sleep was the only one that got the best of me. Like, REALLY got the best of me. Everyone tells you to enjoy the peace and sleep during pregnancy, but many people clearly forget that the last month leading up to delivery, you become sleep deprived and uncomfortable for other reasons. For me, it was constant heartburn; having to pee at all hours of the night and the party CJ would throw in utero started the second I lay down on my bed. During the last month, I must of gotten out of bed 3 times a night, but thankfully I received consistent prenatal chiropractic care and acupuncture that enabled me to continue exercising through week 40 and I truly believe the three really worked to create as much balance and harmony as possible throughout such a life-changing time. With that said, I think many of us bring a child into the world already tired and after the euphoria wears off, life with a newborn gets SO SO REAL!
CJ just had his six-month birthday and if I reflect on the past few weeks, I finally feel essentially like myself again. Well, like myself with a kid that is. The transition to healing, plus a coast-to-coast move was one of the hardest things I have ever endured both physically and emotionally and as I write this while sitting on an airplane flying 3,000 miles away from my sweet boy, I feel the need to share with all of you how we got here. I simply have to take a deep breath and give a big old THANKS because, PHEW, We actually made it!
So how did we do it?
We let go of the pressure to be perfect: The first couple of weeks I was writing down and using an app for every feeding, diaper change and bodily function. I wanted to share everything with the doctor and receive my gold star for being parent of the year! The truth of the matter is that yes, it was very helpful to share that everything was going well with feedings and diaper changes, but I started to fall into a rhythm of breastfeeding more when I was not fumbling for my phone or shouting at someone to log left, right and poop! I connected during feedings and actually started to enjoy the one-on-one time. Every baby is so different and my alert newborn threw me for a loop! I also took a little time to step away from social media and my phone altogether. I started to experience a longing for my old life and envy of other moms out there “crushing it”, while I sat at home looking like a train wreck missing my carefree existence.
We lived in our “bubble” as long as we could: 4 days after I gave birth, I decided the day of CJ’s first doctors appointment would be a good day to swing by Amazing Births and Beyond for a breastfeeding support group and then go to the doctor before going to get a cheeseburger at Houston’s. Upon returning home, I started cramping and felt super run down, the euphoria of delivery was wearing off and it seemed as if reading my mind, I received a text from Dr. Keeler encouraging me to relax, slow down and live in my postpartum bubble. It was time to listen to my body and take it slow. Something I truly was not used to. I simply took the time to be. Be with my Cory, my mom, family and our sweet baby. I honestly do not even remember most of it now , but I do vow to live in our bubble a bit longer next time. As hard as it is in the beginning, it truly goes by as fast.
Move only in ways that feel good: In the first six weeks I really did not think about working out, but I found time to walk every day and work on reconnecting my core through deep breathing and pelvic floor exercises. We eased our way back into working out consistently and as the weeks went on I found myself walking further, jogging and I would use the time to put on a podcast or an audiobook and “get away”. I am six months postpartum and still have yet to perform too many ab-centric exercises. I am back to barre, dancing and HIIT workouts that target the body as a whole. Movement is so important for our physical and mental well-being and I truly believe it has made me a happier mom. When you are ready, look into movement options and exercise classes that work for you and your lifestyle. I joined the gym with a daycare, frequent “Stroller Strides” and purchased a Peloton Bike to give me lot’s of options to move.
Choose nourishment over convenience: Proper nutrition is the most powerful form of healing on the planet and the postpartum weeks should be all about healing from the inside out. I love this cookbook, “The First 40 Days”, it is all about nourishment and healing immediately postpartum. I actually spoke with an Ayurveda specialist who recommended soft, nourishing foods like lentil soup and quinoa porridge. I began adding ghee to my mother’s milk tea and took in lots of oats and flax to keep my milk flowing. It was not the time to focus on weight-loss, but more on taking the time to take in enough calories to heal and continue my breastfeeding journey. In the beginning, I skipped too many meals while home alone and because of this, I felt rundown and filled with anxiety. When I did get a nourishing meal, it felt like a warm hug. Postpartum life is not the time to skip meals or count calories.
Communicate: Cory and I have been together for almost eleven years. After CJ was born he was traveling a lot and we did not have family close. I was exhausted, sometimes lonely and very, very squishy. When I was so tired, I couldn’t do anything but cry and unfortunately could not communicate my feelings appropriately (thanks hormones). When you become a mom your world changes so drastically that it is hard to know which end is up. All of a sudden Cory’s positivity was suffocating and everything he did bothered me. Why? Because I was exhausted, healing and hormonal. Once I was finally able to share my emotions without taking digs and being snippy, he was more nurturing and understanding of my feelings. It has been beautiful to rebuild ourselves into a family of three and we are finding time for each other, going on dates and laughing constantly as we did before baby. Everyone told me that this would happen and we would work through it, but the nieve me thought otherwise! Mamas, your world has been flipped upside down, and even though your partner has not gone through creating and birthing a human, they are working through their own changes too! Be patient, dig deep and find your new normal.
Get out of the house at least once per day: This was huge for me. In the early weeks, we took little walks to the end of the block and back. After that, I took him to get my hair done or to the mall to walk around and feel less isolated. Getting out of the house made me feel more connected to the world. Our daily walks were my happy place. Whatever chaos ensued during the day, when the sun started to set, I would put CJ in the carriage, throw on “Girl Wash Your Face” on audiobook and get rolling. I always returned home refreshed and way more prepared for the night ahead.
Sleep whenever you can: “Sleep when the baby sleeps,” everyone says. If it is harder than you thought it would be, you are not alone. When the baby sleeps there are still a million things that need to get done and if you are anything like me, it is really hard to settle down. So, sleep whenever you can. If you are comfortable sleeping when the baby sleeps, great! If not, COMMUNICATE to your partner that you need to sleep. Ask your BFF or someone you feel close to set aside an hour and come to your rescue. Sleep makes all the difference in the world. It brings color back into your world.
Consider hiring a sleep consultant. I hired one when CJ was six weeks old and it was the best money I ever spent. She helped me increase his naps and got him sleeping through the night in days. When we started sleeping for eight hours and Cory and I had some time together
Trust your partner: No, they may not do everything exactly as you would, but give them space to find ways to bond. Let them establish their own “thing”. They did not grow the child and in many things will taking care of him or her will not be instinctual. Let them ask ALL the questions and give them most of the answers. From the beginning, I let Cory take the reins on bathtime and that is my time to take a hot shower. On the weekends, Cory takes him in the morning so I can get a little extra time asleep. Sometimes they watch cartoons, and even though, I am not a TV person with CJ. I let them be and enjoy the time together. (Cory if you are reading this, don’t worry, disregard my last statement.)
Cry: Crying is a beautiful form of therapy. I remember crying out of sheer exhaustion, crying because it was so hard to leave the house, crying because I thought I wanted my old life back. If I am being truly honest, I have cried because I was not sure I loved him as much as I needed or was supposed to in the beginning. Thankfully, I haven’t cried in a while now, except for when he got his last round of shots and the poor thing was crying for hours afterwards. The sleep deprivation took a huge toll on me mentally, but now that we are in our groove, the tears have basically been non-existent.
Be patient and let the love grow: I thought I was going to feel this Earth-shattering, mind-blowing love from the second I laid eyes on our little buggy bear. Although the love was intense, I think it took a little time for me to learn and grow in love. Not just love, but the love that is unconditional. The love that will move mountains grows every day. If you are in the haze of sleep deprivation and feeling overwhelmed, don’t stress. You are not alone. It truly does take time, but if you are still feeling “off”, sad or disconnected after some time. You may want to consider talking to your doctor.
Find Your Tribe: If you already have a built-in tribe of family and friends, you are so so lucky! When the dust settles, make sure to find your tribe and if you do not have one, build one. When we moved to the Bay Area, I did not know too many people except for a couple of family friends. Someone suggested that I download the Peanut App and low and behold, it is like “Tinder for moms”. We wave at each other and make connections and I made a new friend the same week I signed up! You have to be comfortable with putting yourself out there, but other options would be to join Stroller Strides or sign up for music, swim or classes at Gymboree. It is easy to get swept up in mom-talk when you get together, so if you click, try to talk about things outside of mom-life.
Schedule Time for You: Honestly, I did not do enough of this. Like I said before, I did not have family and CJ needed to be breastfed constantly. I did not feel like I could leave him for long periods of time, but I should have made the time. I should have scheduled a pedicure, an hour at the gym or a massage every so often and I definitely will next time. These days, I try to do something for myself once per week, but it the early months, I was neglected and it showed.
Formulate an action plan for work: Being away from your baby is hard, no matter what the circumstance. You need to mentally prepare yourself for it. Make sure to learn the in’s and out’s of your maternity and paternity leave policy, as well as your child care options. When someone else is looking after your child, you need to have peace of mind. It will make the transition back into work a little bit easier.
If I am being honest, it took me longer than the first few months to feel relatively normal. Day by day, it gets easier and more and more fun! Everyone tells you to enjoy every phase and I feel I spent too much time focusing on how tired I was and all the things I had to do instead of embracing the change. Just know, you will get through it and you will thrive, all in due time!