An Open letter of Acceptance to Postpartum Me From Pregnant Me

This photo was shot in Shanghai, China the week we conceived our baby boy. It was the ultimate full-circle moment. 

Today is “National Write Your Story Day’, and although I get the chance to write my stories every week, I feel compelled and inspired to write to someone today, and that someone is me. I also want to write this letter in hopes to inspire all of the other women out there who encounter their aging and changing bodies every day and may not feel 100% comfortable in their own skin, yet are simply doing the best they can to get through. My friends, this is not just a letter for me, it is also for you.

Let me take a moment to fill you in if you do not know me already. For the past five years I have worked as a successful fitness model. I am someone who wholeheartedly subscribes to the health and wellness lifestyle with the belief that if you treat your body well, it will treat you well right back. Now that I am about to enter my fifth month of pregnancy the tiny flutters in my tummy are a subtle reminder that our lives are truly about to change. For the better, I hope, and although many things are unknown right now, I know one thing’s for sure, in about four months our/my life as I know it will never be the same. My mind will never be as carefree as it was in November (the photo above), my heart will never be as full as it is now and my body will never be exactly as in once was. I know that in time I can get to a similar place aesthetically, but my whole body, mind and soul will forever be different. It will have created life. It will be stronger, it will be weaker, and it will have been changed so deeply from the inside out that I know…my body will NEVER be exactly the same.

So today, on National Write Your Story Day, I wanted to pen an open letter of acceptance from my pregnant self to the postpartum woman I will become.

So here goes…

Dear Taylor,

You did it! You are mother. A warrior. My hero. I hope you are resting and taking in the magnitude of what you just accomplished.  You have literally witnessed a miracle and have had to adjust to a whole new world overnight. No book, friend or loved one can prepare you for that! You must be in awe and in a little bit of shock. I get it! Remember when we got the first positive pregnancy test? Phew! It has been a wild ride of up’s and downs since then. After all, we are doing this for the very first time. Every single experience is so new.

Throughout the previous nine months you have listened to your body, you have fed her well, rested your achy back when necessary, you exercised and meditated and in turn your body thanked you by giving you the energy to make space for baby CJ to move and stretch and play! No, things aren’t the same right now. There is a squishy, empty hole where your second heartbeat was just yesterday. My pregnant body was bursting with life and although you could not wait to meet our boy, I am sure there is a lingering emptiness at your very core. Don’t worry; soon your heart and tummy will be sore from all of the belly laughs and happy times that lay before you. You will be full again. Just you wait and see.

Now for the tough stuff: I am sorry for those pesky stretch marks that have expanded up and over your hips. I tried to prevent them, but sometimes ‘what will be will be’. Your once cute little breasts are enlarged, leaky and I am sorry for what I did to your nipples. It just happened.  LOL I heard it happens to every pregnant body.  They are supposed to give your baby the best shot of latching, but do not get upset if he doesn’t want to feed right away. Breastfeeding is way effing harder than anyone lets on. It may be magical for some women, but more often than not, it is a B*#!h, and will take take all of your patience and energy this time around, but you know what? This too shall pass. Your body has just been through ‘war’, and your doctor simply says “here’s your baby…Enjoy!”But Taylor, we all figure it out in our own time. This pain and frustration is but a season. Be patient with yourself mama. Be free to feel all the feels. You will find your rhythm in your own time and on your own terms. Just like you did with my body.

Do me a favor. The first time you step out of the shower after having our baby (whenever you make it there), look yourself dead in the eyes and repeat after me: “I am stronger than I have ever been. My body created another life, another soul, another heart, and I love what I see.” Seeing and saying is believing. The more time you find to talk positively to your new body, the quicker you will truly believe the words. Talk to your new body the way you would want Cory to talk to you and please do not worry, it is and will always be the way that he sees you. He sees you as even more beautiful, inspirational and in a whole new light than ever before. You are the mother of his child and your family is now complete. I hope I served you well.

 In time we will meet again, and you will be an old pro, but until then I will leave you with this…

Know that you will find your way again. Just like you did with my body. You will adjust to new activities, the sleepless nights and the exhaustion. Use your intuition and listen to your body like you always have. Through it all you WILL find your ‘new normal’. All I ask is that you go easy on yourself Tay. You will work again so enjoy this break. Not everyone gets it.  You will feel like ‘you’ at some point in the near future. You will love being a mother when you hit your stride, but until then, let yourself feel. Cry when you need to cry. Laugh at everything you can and don’t be afraid to ask for help. You are going to need it.

And remember…

“You  are stronger than you have ever been. Your body created another life, another soul, and another heart. Please, I beg you. Love what you see.”

All my love,

Taylor