Two weeks and counting and I cannot believe I am going to be a mom again. This time, to a little girl. A little girl who is already putting me through the paces. Before I was about to give birth to CJ, Cory and I took a visit to California to figure out where we were going to live. While there, I penned an Open Letter of Acceptance to my postpartum self. Welp, I read that said letter the other day and just about bawled my eyes out.
Motherhood is so many things. Up’s, down’s, lefts and rights and then before you know it…it’s over and a new phase begins. We are currently navigating the emotional waters of toddlerhood. We are potty training while he simultaneously learned how to climb out of his crib this month. Slap on some pregnancy insomnia and it’s the parenthood trifecta of the year.
As we take on this transition to family of four, I started to think about all the things I have learned over the past 2.8 years. And, I am going to say it here, because I rarely say it out loud, but I AM A DAMN GOOD MOM (and so are you BTW). You know how I know? Because CJ bear hugs Cory and I into group hugs and says “I love you so much” without asking. Because when we go to the pool he says “excuse me” whenever he passes someone in his way. Because I/we as parents care. Plain and simple. We are all going to mess up at one point or another. Spend too much time on our phones or at work. We are going to challenge and push them and kiss them until they fly the nest and we long for the long, hard, days of today.
Now that I am about to give birth for the second time, I have found myself leaning into my seasoned mom of two friends for advice. The nerves are coming back and I am anxious for the transition, but I am already so much more confident in my abilities and am preparing the best I can.
I often hear mom’s say: “I wish someone told me XYZ”. Especially after the first time. Welp, I have to be honest. My girlfriends spilled a lot of tea before I had CJ, but, I am not sure I listened to one word. I tried to weed out the noise and wanted to figure things out for myself. Some of what they told me was true and other things did not happen at all.
I struggled with pretty severe Postpartum Anxiety that I was not prepared for, and although I am hoping it does not come back, I will be much more prepared if it does. If I could give any advice at all, it would be to set yourself up for postpartum life to the best of your ability. Registries and nurseries are great, but I want to make a broader suggestion to arm yourself with support.
More on that….coming soon.
Why are we here?
Well mamas, because I am you and you are me. My BFF’s and IG fam shared their wisdom and I wanted to share all of their “I wish someone told me’s” in a full blog. This is a list of things that one may or may not experience. This post is not meant to scare you. Instead it is meant to help you lean into this new chapter and let you know that you are NOT ALONE! There are so many things to look forward to throughout this journey, but there is no high without the low and there is no joy without the “OYE”.
So away we go….In no particular order.
Physical
Prolapse: Prolapse is a bulging or falling out of a body part such as rectum, bladder or vagina. This commonly occurs because of weakened supportive tissues. Many women experience this, but, I thought it only occurred in older women. Prolapse is very common in postpartum life. Even among women in their thirties. Make sure to discuss with your healthcare provider and it would be great to seek pelvic floor therapy in both perinatal and postpartum seasons if possible.
You may lose your the hair all around the crown of your head after you finish breastfeeding or after delivery: It happens to the best of us. Our “Crowns of Glory”. It takes time, but it will grow back.
Breast pain in early pregnancy and postpartum: Breast tenderness a week after conception was what told me I was pregnant almost immediately. It was a pain so deep, almost in my armpits that tipped me off. My second pregnancy, I had next to no breast pain early on. So it was a bit of a surprise. Postpartum breastfeeding fluctuations also lend itself to discomfort. Ice packs, heating pads and pumping/feeding all helped.
Healing from tearing takes a lot longer than I thought: Some of my friends have said that their tears have never really healed. Pelvic floor therapy can perform scar massage to the pelvic floor and help the postpartum mama to retrain pelvic floor function and urinary/fecal continence.
Allergies and Sinusitis are common after pregnancy: I have experienced increased seasonal allergies in the postpartum life and apparently, it is pretty common thing!
Poop: The first postpartum poop is always the scariest: Your life will revolve around poop for the next few years. Maybe not for yourself, but for your baby. Pregnancy usually brings constipation and then you usually receive a stool softener in the hospital. The first postpartum poop is the scariest. Try to relax and find your “J Breath”.
Itchy Boobs/Skin: Things grow and stretch and itch simultaneously. I LOVE a mixture of coconut and olive oil to slather on my body. This pregnancy I have used the Babymoon balm from Summer Friday’s. I will also use it offer self-massage postpartum.
Bloody Noses: I never knew this was a thing, but three mamas dropped it into my DM’s!
Adult Diapers After Delivery: Big bulky pads do the trick, but I love Always Discreet Boutique Incontinence & Postpartum Underwear. So much easier and mess free.
Cavities: According to my dentist this is common due to morning sickness and additional sugar cravings in the diet. The increased blood volume may also make your gums extra sensitive to infection.
Body Temperature All Out of Whack: Postpartum chills during breastfeeding were wild! I discussed them with my doctor to make sure I was not suffering from mastitis and then went away after a couple of weeks. If there is anything you question, ALWAYS talk to your healthcare provider. I am not him/her.
You Will Pee Yourself at Some Point: I remember being in Yoga class at 36 weeks pregnant. I did some move and had to sneeze. The sneeze turned into a full-blown wet your pants situation. Thankfully, my pants disguised the accident, but it is bound to happen. That is why pelvic floor connection and therapy in postpartum life is so important. Sneezing and peeing are common, but should not be the “norm” or accepted.
How common and fast interventions are in delivery and how to manage the scary ones: Getting to know your hospitals birth protocols and procedures are your right! Get to know them and decide what is right for you. For example, there is usually a Hepatitis Vaccine given at birth to the baby. If it is right for you, great! If not, you can wave it. Hiring a Doula is also a great option for any way you plan to birth. They can act as the bridge between you and the doctors/nurses. They are there as a support system and help offer support needed in times of intervention.
Postpartum
The PostPartum Exhaustion: It is so hard to prepare for first time around. You can set yourself up for success by preparing food, having a lactation specialist on-the-ready and having the tough conversations with your partner and immediate family in advance.
I would cry every day for a month postpartum: I cried a lot in the shower. Like heavy cried. Seems to be many first time moms cry a lot early on as the exhaustion and hormones take hold. If the feelings last, talk to your healthcare provider. Ask to be screened for Postpartum Depression. It is all too common, yet many moms do not get the care or help needed in postpartum life that is required for a full reset.
How Lonely Motherhood Can Be: The days are long, but the years are short. Man, those first postpartum weeks are isolating. You are not alone in your feelings. Download the peanut app and make mommy friends in your area. Try to get outside once a day now that it is warming up and find your tribe of mama friends or family members to have on rotation or text chain.
Postpartum is the “HARDEST TRIMESTER”: Looking back on it “The Fourth Trimester” is likely the toughest for many moms both mentally and physically. You are recovering from delivery all while sleep deprived and getting to know another human life. Hormones are out of whack and nourishment is hard to come by. As I stated before, focus on where you want to be in 90+ days and access the services that can help you get there. For me, a lactation consultant, meal train, pelvic floor specialist were all key in my recovery.
How you love/hate your husband/partner so much at the same time: Postpartum rage is real. Postpartum rage may not go away on its own. Your partners like doesn’t change as drastically as yours does. So, it is time to over-communicate your needs. Have the tough conversations beforehand. Discuss what your needs are. Split the household tasks and write them down. Plan a monthly or weekly check-in during the early weeks and stick to it.
To ask for a lactation specialist right away: So many women think breastfeeding should just be this instinctual and insanely beautiful experience, but the truth is it can be difficult and is a learned skill. There are so many wonderful lactation specialists to help you with your babe. I would suggest connecting with one prior to delivery.
It’s OK Not to Fall in LOVE right away: Falling in love with your baby may take time. A girlfriends shared this with me early on and I am so thankful for that. Although you may love your baby…the deep, connected, I will do anything for you kind of love may develop over time. If it doesn’t or you are feeling deeper, darker feelings, please talk to your healthcare provider or someone you trust.
Ok, Now for the list of ALL THE GOOD! Babies bring so much joy. All the YUCK stuff is but a season. I beautifully, messy, imperfectly perfect season. CJ is growing up so fast and I 200% mourn the loss of not soaking up the newborn phase.
Why? Because…
Babies smell SO GOOD
When their personalities develop, your heart literally leaps out of your chest with joy.
Because they make life worth living.
They make you a better person.
You get to see life all over again through their eyes.
They make even the most mundane moments beautiful.
And a million more joys!
So mamas, if this is your first go-round….you got this. Everything will pass and you will find your rhythm in time. Be honest with yourself and what you need. This is a world-changing experience, but you WILL get through it stronger and more beautiful than before. Modern motherhood can be so many things. “Live in stream” and enjoy the ebbs and flow.